


hold on and let go (never)

by Vihctoria



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: 3x08, A LOT of Angst, F/F, Fluff, POV Villanelle, a lot of love, pos season finale, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24510337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vihctoria/pseuds/Vihctoria
Summary: Villanelle didn't understand the concept of love, until she met Eve.a few words during the events from the season finale (3x08) and a few after it.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 4
Kudos: 90





	hold on and let go (never)

-.-.-.-

Villanelle never understood the concept of love.

She read a lot of stories when she was younger, watched uncountable cheap romance films while waiting for her next job, touched herself so many times thinking about men and women that she wished were there. She had more lovers than she could count.

Yet, there was a huge and loud emptiness when she woke up in the morning.

− They look happy. Carefree. –

− Well, dancing will do that. –

Could that be the answer? Dancing was some part of love?

− I wanna feel like them. –

She wanted to understand. Wanted to try a piece of that love.

− Am I leading, or are you? –

− I have no idea. –

Eve’s strong hands led her. She watched other couples spinning in sync and let out a shy laugh when she realized that her and Eve were too close. Again. This time, though, Villanelle really didn’t know what she was doing. Her hand rested in Eve’s shoulder and she closed her eyes when felt the smell of Eve’s hair. She liked it like that, loose. It seemed tameless and matched the elder woman.

− Do you wanna be like them? –

− Not anymore. –

− Why not? –

− We’d never make that far. We’d consume each other before we got old. –

The fact that Eve had connected the question immediately to her means _so much._

Villanelle’d tried to overpower her. Over and over again. She used knives, guns and even jealousy. She provoked her until Eve gave up to her most primitive impulse and killed someone. Then, she thought Eve would be hers forever, because she’d managed to corrupt her. That way, Eve’d know how she used to feel. Maybe the emptiness wouldn’t be so bad if she could share it with someone.

But Eve wasn’t someone she could manipulated into. Eve plays by her own rules, she’d just accepted Villanelle’s because she wanted to play her game. But she would never be hers, not while Villanelle wanted to overpower her.

So she had to learn how to love her.

− I’ve killed so many people, Eve. –

− I know. –

And she was still there, her hand steady in Villanelle’s waist, her face touching hers.

Perhaps dancing was really some part of love, because Villanelle felt her heart tight.

If she said to Eve right here, right now, that she loved her, would she believe it?

They were interrupted before, but she kept the thought.

-.-.-.-.-

− Don’t you wanna just chase after her? –

Villanelle did. She ran through London’s streets calling for Eve like only a person in love would do. She reached her exactly in the middle of Tower Bridge, leaning on the parapet.

− I killed Dasha. –

− No, I killed Dasha. I hit her head with a golf club. –

− I crushed her. With my feet. –

− Well, I guess we both killed her, then. Isn’t that romantic? –

It had to mean something, right?

− Do you know who are the only people in the world that would find it romantic? –

She knew. Yet, she asked and got her answer.

− Us. –

It definitely meant something.

− I don’t wanna do this anymore. Any of it. –

To work for a secret organization full of traitors. To kill for them. To be recognized only for that: killing, killing, killing. Was that the only thing she knew how to do?

− What happened to us? –

A lot of things. Russia happened. Romania happened. Konstantin happened. Dancing happened.

− I used to be like them. –

− You were never like them. You only thought you were. –

Villanelle knew that since the beginning. She couldn’t deny that the first thing that draw her attention was the asian features and the tameless, amazing hair, because back then she didn’t know who Eve was.

If only she’d known…

But she _saw_ Eve since the beginning. That warm and routine life wasn’t what she wanted for good.

− Yes, I was. I had a life, a home, a husband. Even a chicken. –

− Do you still want that stuff? –

She could give that to Eve. They could have a house, she could be the husband, and Eve could have as many chickens as she likes. They could live in an isolated farm, even at Cuba’s heated weather if it would be better for the damn chickens. At that point, she would do everything for Eve.

− When I try to look at my future, I only see your face, over and over again. –

God dammit, she would do anything for her. She wanted to have a future with Eve too. Her voice trembled with the emotion she couldn’t handle anymore.

− It’s a very beautiful face. –

She could be there all night. The wind wasn’t a problem, the dawn wasn’t a problem, even The Twelve weren’t a problem. She was free to move on with Eve wherever she wanted.

− Do you think I’m a monster, Eve? –

− You’re so many things. –

− You didn’t answer my question. –

− I think we all have monsters inside of us. Some of us manage to hide them better. –

− Well, I haven’t. –

− Neither have I. –

− I think my monster encourages yours, right? –

− I think I wanted it. –

Wow. That was… wow. That was the time. That was the time to repeat what she said in Rome, and this time Eve would believe her. She would say it back. 

− Help me. Help me end him. –

_No. I don’t want to end it._

− If that’s what you want, it’s not that difficult. –

− You’ll tell me to jump? –

− No. Of course not. It’s easier than that. –

_What the hell are you doing?_

− Stand up straight. Look at me. –

She wanted to look her in the eye one more time. Wanted to memorize her features, to feel her hair in her fingers and her mouth in hers.

− Now turn around. And I will turn the other way. –

_Tell her you love her. She will say it back. She will say it back because her monster is similar to yours and she needs to feed it. She needs…_

− Now what? –

− Now we walk. And never look back. –

− But I… −

− Just walk. –

So, that’s it. That’s love. The feeling of your chest burning, which spreads into the bones and makes you wanna cry. What a ridiculous feeling.

It was better than hatred, though. Better than sorrow, than resentment.

She didn’t want to hurt Eve. No anymore. She would hurt herself and would let her go to push her away from her own monsters, if that’s what Eve really wanted. Villanelle would make herself stay away from her the longer it takes to forget her.

Bullshit.

She would never forget Eve, because she’d learn to love her.

She needed to turn around. Needed to look back one last time and believe she’d done the right thing, because that feeling hurt.

She should have paid more attention to films. People were never happy all the time when they loved someone.

Villanelle was to stuck in her own thoughts of love to realize that the only steps on that bridge was hers.

When she did turn, Eve stood exactly in the same spot. But she was looking at her.

She had looked back. She was still looking back.

Or was she looking forward?

− I don’t want to run anymore. – Eve said, when Villanelle reached her again.

− Neither do I. –

− Where will we go? –

− Right now, to my hotel room. Later? I have no idea. –

The only certainty Villanelle had was that she would follow Eve wherever she goes.

-.-.-.-.-

Villanelle played a song. She took off her shoes and let her hair loose. She asked Eve to dance again.

− You were right, Eve. –

− About what? –

− Dancing makes people feel free. Happy. –

She felt the elder woman’s fingers sliding down her waist. Their height difference didn’t bother her, not a little. She was satisfied to feel Eve so close and even more to let her lead.

− What do _you_ expect from the future? –

− It looks brilliant. Now I only can see your face over and over again. – Eve laughed, and the sound seemed to match the music.

− I’m glad we are on the same page. –

Villanelle moved an inch to look at her. She memorized Eve’s features with her wide and hungry eyes, not believing she’d almost let her escape again.

This time, though, the choice to stay was all Eve’s.

− I love you, Eve. –

She saw her dark eyes flash in the gloom, and tightened her embrace, as if she could have destroyed it all. But that was the time, she knew. It had to be.

Eve let go of her hand to touch her face, palm against cheek.

This gesture, oh this gesture was love.

− I love you too. –

If someone asked her to describe the concept of love now, Villanelle would say that it was Eve’s fingers in her cheek, her hand in her waist, and her mouth in hers.

She finally understands.

-.-.-.-.-

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! english it's now my first language, so forgive me if there are mistakes.  
> hope you liked it!


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